Merry Christmas 2007

Wow! It is Christmas already. Another year ending. As I lookback on the past year my heart is torn. Why? Because there was so many good things that happened and yet one tragic thing. I wonder how someone whom has claimed they have never loved anyone but you and could never live without you could just walk out one day and forget you.

Now, the real reason for this season.....not the cute fat man in the red suit delivering presents but the sweet innocent babe born to a corrupt world not so long ago. He came to save us from ourselves. Yet we are Sodom and Gemorrah all over again.

I want to thank Jesus for for his love, grace and mercy. Jesus, I am standing in place:)

The photo above is my sweet dog 'Baby'.

The eye. There is so much that cannot be seen by the naked eye. That is where you must have faith. The faith knowing the no matter what your eyes may see happening, there are things God is doing that we cannot see. Behind the scenes God is intervening on our behalf.

In my current situation, I believe there is a spiritual battle going on behind the scenes to save my marriage. I can't see it but I know my God. I know he is faithful and true. I know he loves me and wants what is best for me. As I continue to seek him, he will continue to intervene in the enemy's plans.

God can confuse the enemy and take back his child. Restore our family. What an awesome testimony.

So, I stand still in this place, worship and wait. BUt while waiting I prepare for Al's homecoming.

Thank goodness it is Friday. As I sit here, with a broken heart, I am at a loss of what to say. Yesterday, Al had me served (at work of all the 'sweet' things) divorce papers. Two weeks ago he told me he was coming back home.

What is it about our life together that was so awful? Did we argue? Yes. But I stuck by him through so many things when he would of had no one. I planned romantic overnight stays at places for us. I planned family trips for us. I bought him nice things. I didn't do it in order to gain anything. It was done out of love.

Al always told me I showed him the best things in life, took him to the best places, bought him the best things. He said he had never loved anyone else and I made him want to be a better person. I really believed him. I thought our marriage was solid. That we could overcome anything together. So, why would he want to walk away? He said he hated his 'former' playboy lifestyle of going from woman to woman. It was lonely and he didn't want to live that way again. He wanted to have a baby and adopt Taylor. How do you go from that to walking out on us and refusing to talk about this? Why walk out on four years of yor life with someone and not even work it out? Doing this you will continue to drift from one relationship to another until finally you just get wore out and settle for less.

There were people sitting back waiting and hoping for our marriage to fail. I feel like Al just caved in and gave them what they were waiting for. I fought so hard to keep this from happening. Why isn't he fighting along with me?

Well, all I can say, is, it isn't over yet. Al can still come to his senses! Our marriage can still be saved.

Ok Santa! I am writing you my request for the thing I want most for Christmas! My husband to return home and our family to be healed. That isn't too much to ask for is it?

Tomorrow it will be two long, excruciatingly painful months since Al left. I have tried to be positive and be strong for Taylor BUT the last several days I haven't been very successful. Sometimes my heart aches so much it feels like I am dying inside. There is a void there that nothing seems to fill. As if that isn't bad enough, there is so much pressure from 'well meaning' people to just move on. Telling me I can never get past what he has done, I deserve more, etc etc. But do they know my God,really? I agree with them that "I" can't ever forgive Al of what has taken place and remove the pain that resides in what was once my heart. BUT my GOD can do anything. At this very moment I know he is talking with Al and helping Al to heal his own 'demons' and he keeps working with me on forgiveness and what love really is.

I am very fortunate that I have a very kind, understanding,beautiful lady that knows my God. And when I feel like I can't possibly cry another tear or I just can't see past the moment, I call her and she comforts me and reminds me I need to stand firm on God's word. She keeps me encouraged. I am eternally grateful for her.

So, Santa, rather you stuff him in my stocking or in a boc under the tree, please give me the one thing I want for Christmas, My Al to be home, permanantly.

It now has been one month and three days since Al moved out. I think I am more heartbroken than in the beginning. Why? Because I thought once he had some time to cool down and think things through he would be calling. He won't even speak to me at all. I have tried to keep my contact limited so as not to push him further away but maybe that is the wrong approach? I honestly do not know anymore.

All I truly know is I am not angry like people want me to be (which even surprises me), I do not want a divorce like some would have me to do. I don't want to be 'fixed' up as someone half jokingly mentioned. What I know for sure is Al is the love of my life. Regardless of what is happening now that has not changed. I pray that for him that has truly not changed either. That somewhere his heart is aching for me as mine is for him. That God is working with him and soon I will get that long awaited call saying 'I miss you' can we work this out'. What a day of rejoicing that will be.

Oh my dear sweet Al, I miss you so. Please come back to us.

State of Confusion

Looking at these photos makes me smile, even now. I had no doubt that this was the first day of a wonderful future with the man I love. Even now, after all the pain I am still very much on love. That is the problem or the solution? Not sure which.

My husband seems to be someone new and different. Someone who does crazy things, hurtful things, who has no memory of his life and who he is. But I remember. I remember the love. I remember the heart. I remember the hurt man that cried out to God to save him, help him. I remember the man that held me, never let a day go by that he didn't tell me he loved me. At least until recently. Now he will not speak to me at all. How can that happen? Is he running from something?To something? I know that no one will love him like I do.

I wish I would of cherished that last kiss. That last smile. Savored the last time we made love. The last meal together. All the things taken for granted. I wish I would of tried harder, complained less. All those 'little' things seem so unimportant now. I wish I could tell him how much I love him again and hear him say it back.

I have gone through my days miserably lonely. With an ache so great to have him home again. The tears seem to never end. Certainly I must be dehydrated by now! ha ha. Hoping every time the phone rings hoping it is him. Everytime I get an email. But it never is.

I think of all the reasons I should be angry at him and to even my own shock I am not angry. I don't hate him. Most well meaning people can't understand this and that is ok.

Today is a new day and I am going to try really hard to suck it in, and just focus on building up my relationship with God and with me. Me? Yes me? I have a lot of work I need to do. I am believing that God is going to bring Al home. When that happens I need to be ready. How? To make sure there is no anger, no bad feelings. Only forgiveness and love. I also need to work on the things in myself that contributed to his unhappiness. I realize I do not share all the burden but I certainly have my part. And there is my health. I need to get healthy so I can be a better wife and mother.That will be the most difficult. Another reason why I must adjust my attitude.

So here we go! On with the journey.

WHAT IS PCOS

WHAT IS PCOS?
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) is a major cause of infertility. This condition is also known as polycystic ovaries, Sclerocystic Ovarian Disease, Stein-Leventhal Syndrome, Chronic Anovulatory Syndrome and Polycystic Ovarian Disease (PCOD).It is the most common female endocrine (hormonal) disorder and is characterized by multiple abnormal ovarian cysts. Most ovarian cysts are harmless, fluid-filled sacs containing immature eggs that attach to the ovaries. But multiple cysts, with a typical appearance of "a string of pearls" or "pearl necklace", are a hallmark of PCOS. An estimated 5-10% of women of childbearing age are affected by PCOS and it is one of the leading causes of infertility. Post-menopausal women can also suffer from PCOS.This condition can be a silent killer. Since the symptoms of PCOS can vary so widely from woman to woman, doctors very often misdiagnose the condition. This oversight became a matter of critical concern after a study conducted in 2000 found that women suffering from PCOS have a higher risk of coronary heart disease.Symptoms of PCOS can include excessive weight gain and obesity, irregular, heavy or completely absent periods, ovarian cysts, excessive facial or body hair, Alopecia (male pattern hair loss), acne, skin tags (growths from the skin), Acanthosis Nigricans (brown skin patches) high cholesterol levels, exhaustion or lack of mental alertness, decreased sex drive and excess male hormones.Insulin Resistance-related obesity and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) are causative factors behind infertility, which the Insulite PCOS System can help to reverse. It is specifically designed to lower testosterone levels and reduce weight gain by reversing the symptoms of PCOS in combination with a balanced, nutritious diet and regular exercise. By decreasing testosterone, you'll reduce ovarian cysts and help re-establish the delicate balance of your hormones, thereby enhancing the likelihood of ovulation, without which there is no chance of becoming pregnant.
What Causes PCOS?
"The overproduction of insulin has a directly adverse effect on the leutenizing hormone (LH) which surges midway through the monthly menstrual cycle and is essential for ovulation. Insulin increases LH and the raised level stimulates the ovaries to form androgens (male hormones)."
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Viewpoints: Healing News from Insulite Laboratories, January 2005

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), also known as Polycystic Ovarian Disease, is often caused by a hormonal imbalance brought on by Insulin Resistance-related obesity. It's a disorder that affects an estimated 5 to 10 percent of all women, and is one of the leading causes of infertility. The root cause of PCOS is Insulin Resistance.Symptoms of PCOS can vary widely from woman to woman and may include: irregular or completely absent periods, ovarian cysts, Hirsutism (excessive facial or body hair), Alopecia (male pattern hair loss), obesity, acne, skin tags, Acanthosis Nigricans (brown skin patches), high cholesterol levels, exhaustion or lack of mental alertness, decreased sex drive, excess male hormones and infertility.Current studies clearly link PCOS and Insulin Resistance. A report released in the British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology in 2000 indicated that up to 40 percent of women with PCOS have either impaired glucose tolerance or Type 2 Diabetes by age 40. In addition, with PCOS, high levels of insulin stimulate the ovaries to produce large amounts of testosterone (a male hormone), which can possibly prevent the ovaries from releasing an egg each month, thus causing infertility. High testosterone levels can also cause excessive hair growth, male pattern baldness and acne.PCOS is one of the most common endocrine (or hormonal) disorders and is characterized by multiple abnormal cysts in the ovaries. Most women who seek medical help for this condition do so because of infertility problems, irregular periods, acne or other skin conditions or unusual hair growth.Researchers have also found a link between PCOS and other metabolic conditions such as high levels of obesity, LDL (the "bad" cholesterol) and high blood pressure. These are all risk factors for coronary heart disease, as well as symptoms of Metabolic Syndrome (also known as Syndrome X, this disorder substantially increases your chances of developing Cardiovascular Disease). These findings substantially raised the bar on the seriousness of the condition and made it even more important that physicians correctly diagnose PCOS and recommend appropriate therapy.Because insulin production of the pancreas is thrown off by the Insulin Resistance, there is an inhibited conversion of food to energy and an increase in the amount of stored fats. When glucose cannot enter the cells efficiently it remains in the blood stream, causing elevated blood sugar - whereupon it is sent to the liver, which converts it to fat and stores it throughout the body.When the body takes in calories, it has a choice of either burning those calories for energy or converting them to fat and storing them. In patients with PCOS, Insulin Resistance encourages the storage of fat and the production of excessive amounts of testosterone.At the present time, there are no cures for PCOS - even removal of the ovaries will not completely eliminate this syndrome. But there are ways to address the underlying issue of Insulin Resistance, although a single approach will simply not work when trying to reverse the effects of this syndrome.A complete system is needed to reverse PCOS. This should include neutraceuticals (vitamins, herbs and minerals that are disease specific) as well as a realistic exercise program, nutritional guidance and a support network that will help you change unhealthy lifestyle choices.
PCOS Guidelines
You must first address the root cause of PCOS, which is Insulin Resistance.
Since obesity is usually a key component of PCOS, getting your weight under control is the next step. A low-carb diet has proved to be effective in not only weight loss programs but also in helping to control the production of insulin in the pancreas. But keep in mind that lean women can also have PCOS.
Some doctors will prescribe birth control pills to assist in regulating or restoring irregular or absent periods. But there is growing controversy over using pills because it is now thought they may actually worsen Insulin Resistance. While it is true that introducing the female hormone can counteract some of the effects of over-active testosterone production, the short-term benefits of restoring a period may be offset by the long-term effects of worsening the underlying root cause of the condition. Think long and hard before you begin taking birth control pills if you have PCOS.
Exercise is a necessary component of dealing with the symptoms of PCOS. Exercise increases the number of receptor sites on your cells' surface, boosts metabolism, burns calories and helps to level out the production of insulin in the pancreas.
Choose a balanced, healthy diet that doesn't include foods with a high glycemic index, like bread, pasta, rice, refined sugars, potatoes and corn. Avoid artificial sweeteners which can raise insulin levels.
Avoid stimulants like caffeine, alcohol and tobacco. Even over-the-counter cold and flu medications can contain stimulants, causing spikes in insulin production and release.
Your doctor may need to address collateral issues such as high blood pressure or high cholesterol issues with medication until they come under control naturally with your weight loss.

My Heartfelt Apology

Sometimes God calls us to do things that we don't want to do or understand why we have to do it. But I do know when God asks me to do something and I deny him, I suffer.

Ok deep breath. This is not easy. However, I feel it is something that God has led me to do. He has shown me some things about forgiveness lately. Both giving and receiving. I feel in order to receive it you must be willing to give it.

At first the thought of asking someone who has hurt you so deeply seems crazy! Ask who for forgiveness? Are you kidding? But then God whispers " my child how many times have you hurt me, sinned against me after all I sacrificed for you? I gave my son to die for you. Yet I forgive you every time you ask". Don't you hate it when you have to swallow your pride! I see myself throwing my body at his feet and begging not to have to do this! Please Lord no anything but this!!!!

Ok all kidding (or half kidding) aside, this is something I need to do. So, (swallow lump in throat) here it goes....................

My Dearest Alireza,

Where do I begin? This has been such a journey, one not yet over. You changed my life so much. I have truly loved you with all my heart and soul. I always thought what we had was real and would last forever. There really was never any doubt in my mind. I remember the lady at our 'interview' , she made me so angry when she was talking about the 95%, I dare she. What does she know? Is she there to see you hold me and tell me you can't live without me? To see you smile at me? Rub my feet? Can she hear the love in your voice? No. But I was there. I heard it. I felt it. And no matter how angry at me you are, I know you felt it too.

Seems like we needed help to work the kinks out but that was doable. Little did I know you had felt I had hurt you so deeply you would feel it necessary to leave. I don't believe love dies I believe we bury it in the hurt and pain we feel. And we lash out at the person we believe has hurt us. We have to hurt them back and make them feel the pain we feel. I never meant to hurt you. After a stupid fight one night not so long ago, I started because my feelings got hurt, you told me you wanted a divorce. By the end of the night we agreed that we would seek more, different help to fix this. You hugged and kissed me and said I was the love of your life and you could not live without me, we would work things out, not to worry as you were lying next to me kissing my face all over. I felt the warmth in your hands. But I heard the pain in your voice earlier. For the first time I felt scared my marriage was in trouble, that there was the chance I could lose you.So, I went and spoke to Monica about what I needed to do to really make a difference. I was ready to take it seriously and do it because my marriage was too important to me. It wasn't as though I hadn't so much taken it seriously before but I guess I didn't realize how hurt you really felt and what I was doing to contribute to it. I felt an urgency now to make the changes I needed to. One thing I needed to do was simply focus on what I was doing wrong instead of focusing on what I thought you were doing wrong. That was hard. I had only focused on my pain and frustration and so I felt justified in my behavior. But after talking with Monica, I was wrong. I needed to focus on me. The changes I needed to make. It was important not just for us but for Taylor. You are the only father she has ever known. I didn't want her to lose that. You taught her how to ride a bike. Took her to ride the go carts. And loved her. Gave her safety and security.

You had asked me if I would start going for walks with you at the track and I told you yes. I was looking forward to it. They just opened a 24 hour gym in Union. They have a family plan. We could join and go together. I thought you would like that. I also know I should of kept up with my PCOS. I know that effects my moods and my health. I am sorry.

I remember you telling me so many times early in our marriage, that I was the only place you had ever been able to find peace, love and trust. I was the only peace you had ever found. And I ruined that for you. But please know that was not intentional. And I really wanted the chance to give that back to you again. I still can if you allow me to.

Remember telling me I was changing you, for the better. I made you want to be a better person? I showed you, gave you the best things? Took you to the best places? All the plans we have made? That is real. Important. Not something to give up on. Four years is just the tip of the long future we had planned out.

The night you moved out, do you remember saying you don't really want a divorce? But that things would have to change? I agree. and I hope even though you are angry with me and don't want to talk to me, you seriously consider sticking to that. We have overcome so many things together already that this is nothing for us. If we can just step back, take a breath, and remember what we loved so much about each other and see we owe it to ourselves and our daughter to make this work. And there is an unborn child waiting for us. I know with the hurt and anger it won't be easy, but the rewards will be so worth it. I know somewhere under your anger you love me. You don't want to start over, or be a playboy again. You know that is fleeting and in the end will not make you happy. You spent 27 years living that way before you met me. We have only had four short years together, so why not give it longer? What do you have to lose? But I promise you, you have a lot to gain. Don't run from this, please. Hindsight can show someone a lot. I can see where I hurt you. Let me make it up to you. I think, in your heart of hearts, you don't want a divorce either. I think you are hurt and angry. That is ok. We can work through that, together. All that matters is we don't give up.

In summary, all I wanted to say is I am sorry. I am sorry I have hurt you. I am sorry I took your peace. I am sorry I didn't take you more seriously when you asked me to not argue with you. I am sorry for failing to be the wife I needed to be for you and the wife God called me to be. You know I can be incredibly stubborn and impatient. I am sorry.

This wasn't easy for me to write. But I mean every word. No matter how angry you are, or how cold you are to me, you can't change the fact I love you. And I believe you love me too even if you try to run from it. Please think about what I have said. Give it some serious thought. Don't trade it in for temporary things. I know forgiveness is not something that has come easy for you, but I am asking you, to please give it a try this time. You will be so glad you did.

Can we please talk, maybe spend some time together?

your Beloved

To forgive

This quote says " He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass"

I have been praying that God would bring my husband back home. What I really hadn't stopped to think about was forgiveness. There are many things that have transpired over a short amount of time and I have tried not to think about some because it was just too painful. It would hurt too much. I think I would not be able to handle it emotionally right now if I had to sit and process some of it.

Am I able to forgive or ask for forgiveness? One I must humble myself, as hard as it seems, and ask Al to forgive me. Why? Did I walk out? Or many other examples I can think of, no. But I feel I need to ask for forgiveness because I was not the wife I truly needed to be. I did try to make some effort to become a better wife but not enough. I was still a work in progress and was willing to persevere and continue but I wish I could of been the wife God told me to be. I needed to argue less, no matter how valid I felt my anger was or my point was arguing never solves it. Being able to provide peace and solace to my husband when he came home. That was so important to him. I didnt intentionally 'rob' him of that but he felt robbed none the less. Nit picking over little annoyances. Are they really all that important??? Of course not! How silly. Of course hindsight is something! I was not intentionally denying my husband of peace and joy but the fact is that I did it and I must now ask for forgiveness. When do I do that though? I am too afraid to right now. I am afraid to be laughed at, ignored or berated. Do I swallow my pride and do it anyway?

Next, with what I do know that has transpired, can I forgive my husband for the things I feel he has done to me? The hurts? The lies? The betrayal? Only by God's grace. Which I need to seek strongly. I want to forgive him. I want to see him walk through our front door with his suitcase ready to move back home, I want to show him I love him again. But first, for that to be a success I must be able to forgive the hurt and let it go. I can't hold onto it. If I hold onto it, then it will be doomed from the start. But where to begin? First I think I have to begin with asking forgiveness before I can offer it? From God at least right now. I am still worried about when to apologize to Al. But I think I need to seek the Lord and lay out my misdeeds first then ask him to remove any anger, hurt, bitterness that I have in my heart. Then perhaps healing can begin.

Heavenly Father, I come before you and I ask your forgiveness. You blessed me with a husband and beautiful daughter. Yet I have not been the wife and mother that you have called me to be. I have not been a joyful wife and mother. I did not stop before I spoke. I allowed words of anger to come from my lips. I humbly ask your forgiveness for not treasuring the gifts you have given me. I am working to become a better mother and I pray I am allowed the chance to be a better wife. I pray for strength and guidance. Thank you my Lord and savior. Amen

My Earthly angel

I already made a post today but I felt I needed to post this. I believe God has truly sent me an angel. Ok here come the tears. I knew this was going to happen.

There is someone that over the last few weeks has helped me more than she ever will really know. Al leaving has been the most devastating thing to ever happen in my life. I don't have any answers and I don't know what all he is doing, feeling and thinking, but I do know I still love him. And the only person who has not only given me hope but hasn't put Al down and said mean things about him and has understood why I have not just divorced him and moved on is sweet Lu. She has been a 'rock' for me. When I am feeling beaten, scared and frustrated I know I can call her and she will uplift me, love me and understand me. She undestands my heart's desire to have my husband back home no matter what is happening right now. She can see past the now because she knows God is bigger than all of these things.

So, Lu, thank you for being my 'Angel'

Jesus carries me

As I look at this image it warms my soul. Thank the good Lord that as I suffer through the trials of my life Jesus carries me. I am not alone. I know that one set of footprints means he is carrying me. I am safe. I am loved. When I feel weak it is ok because I know he will not drop me. His arms are strong and he carries me to a place where I can find peace and joy. No matter how 'dark' it is all around me there is a light shining, enveloping me. The turbulence no longer sounds so deafening to me, it becomes quieter and quieter until all I can hear is him whisper " I love you my child. I am here." Then the peace comes.

One thing Pastor Carl spoke about Sunday was walking in fellowship and being in communion with God. It is then that you will hear him speak to you so clearly. Sometimes we allow so much 'junk' in our lives to pull us away from that fellowship and before we know it we feel like we are alone, we can't hear God's voice. What should I do God? Where are you? When God is there all along calling out to us but we can't hear him over all the noise in our life. But if we become still and just speak to him all around us can be a tornado yet we will still hear God's voice guiding us and all the while loving us.

Today, I am trying to be 'still' and listen for the voice of the Lord. He knows my trials and he knows my heart.

Two very long weeks.......Obviously this photo was taken in much happier times. Times that I thought there would be many more of. I feel like I am a crazy person. In light of things I have come to know over the last week I feel as if I should hate this man for so many reasons. So why don't I? Why does my heart still ache? Is it becuse I love him so much or am I just hurt over someone walking out of my life? If he were to call me up today and want to come home could I ever get past what he has done? Only by the very Grace of God.

I filed for a legal separation yesterday. I just couldn't bring myself to file for a divorce. But why not? Why wait? Even though he had said he didn't want a divorce when he moved out he hasn't said much over the last two weeks, he has actually been very cold and acting crazy. So why not just file and move on? There is a part of me that really believes when he started his medication in July it has had a terrible effect on him and he also told me he was addicted to some pills. (True?)? If so, then I feel like abandoning him in his dark hour would be wrong. Even though he has wronged me on MANY levels to wrongs don't make a right. Even if he doesn't want my help I shouldn't completely cut him off. There is only one person that I talk to that truly understands this. Understands how I am feeling. She listens. She prays for us.

Happy Friday :(

Chef Ali

I always thought when going through a hard time each day it was supposed to get easier. It hasn't happened yet. It has been a week and a half since my husband moved out. It was devastating.

When I look at the man in this photo, I remember this evening very well. He was excited to be cooking a new recipe he learned for the three of us. I sat there at the table and watched him, talked to him. It made me feel special that here he was, after working all day he wanted to come home and cook for us. I remember sitting there thinking how much I loved him. I knew this was the man I was spending my life with.

In a week and a half of him being gone, I am wondering what went wrong. And his behavior since he left is more than perplexing. He seems like someone I never knew. But how is that possible? How can someone in such a short amount of time seem to be someone so different? Does he not have any memory of our life together? Did Taylor and I mean nothing? Does he have a conscious? What about all of our plans for the future? When did walking out on your family become so easy??????

Broken

Today I sit here and my heart is broken. I am confused, scared, lonely and saddened. Just a short time ago, I thought I had a loving husband that cherished my daughter and I. He made me think I was the most special woman in the world. I was his everything. I had no doubt that very soon we would be adding onto our family. Our daughter was very excited at becoming a big sister. We had so many plans for our future.

Sure, we had our 'issues' we argued about but we both agreed we would work them out because they were minor. We didn't believe divorce should be an option. My husband had a bad history prior to our marriage but I truly believe he had changed. He was a different person. He was dedicated to our marriage, daughter and future.

But, just a week and a half ago, while I was at work, he showed up with a Uhaul and moved out. He said he just needed some time to get his head on straight. He had got addicted to some pills and he was going to check himself into a clinic. WOW. This isn't happening. Then it got worse. He decided not to help pay our finances. Then I find out he has reverted back to his former self. Seems like he is on the 'prowl' again. I know there is at least on woman he has 'been' with and another he was working on. Knowing his past, it isn't the end.

WOW....This can't be happening....this isn't my life. My husband loves me. Our daughter (his step daughter). What about all the promises....dreams......our friends and family. How do you just walk away from that? And for what? To just keep going from woman to woman? To lose the only person who has stood by your side through so many obstacles. Who has helped you when you had no one. Where is his conscious? Where is the love that seemed sooo strong and sincere? What about the little girl sitting in the office chair you left behing, crying because you told her you would never leave her and told her when you moved out everything would work out and be ok??????

Where do I go from here???? Will he ever want to come back? Will I be able to take him back? Will I lose all I have worked so hard for? So many questions........

Summer 2007

I can't believe it is September already. The summer has been great mostly. We didn't get to take a vacation like last year but that is ok. As I sit here and think of how PCOS can turn your life upside down it is alarming. I think moodswings can be the worst. And no one (unless they have suffered from it) can truly understand. I have not been back to the endocronologist because the medications he put me on that were supposed to help me deal with this and help me lose weight didnt' help at all. They only made me feel sick all the time.

I recently joined a website that had a forum for women with PCOS and reading some of their stories reminded me of my own. Having dealt with this for so long you sometimes forget what it does to you. I know I need to figure out how to handle this better before my family falls apart. My husband has a hard time dealing with my moods. I love him very much and would never want to lose him but I fear I may if I can't do something about this. He has 'issues' of his own he is dealing with and lately seems like he would rather not bother with our marriage.

Another year

This is my beautiful daughter and my wonderful husband. Another year has passed and I am ashamed to say I dropped the ball. I was sure last year I was taking control of my pcos and ridding my body of it. Unfortunately I feel so drained all the time I feel like I just don't have the energy to think.

Valentine's Day is less than a week away and I have a very special night planned for my hubby! An awesome hotel room, a fantasy suite, and a very impressive dinner.

Then in March we are off to Las Vegas. It is a first for both of us.