Sometimes God calls us to do things that we don't want to do or understand why we have to do it. But I do know when God asks me to do something and I deny him, I suffer.
Ok deep breath. This is not easy. However, I feel it is something that God has led me to do. He has shown me some things about forgiveness lately. Both giving and receiving. I feel in order to receive it you must be willing to give it.
At first the thought of asking someone who has hurt you so deeply seems crazy! Ask who for forgiveness? Are you kidding? But then God whispers " my child how many times have you hurt me, sinned against me after all I sacrificed for you? I gave my son to die for you. Yet I forgive you every time you ask". Don't you hate it when you have to swallow your pride! I see myself throwing my body at his feet and begging not to have to do this! Please Lord no anything but this!!!!
Ok all kidding (or half kidding) aside, this is something I need to do. So, (swallow lump in throat) here it goes....................
My Dearest Alireza,
Where do I begin? This has been such a journey, one not yet over. You changed my life so much. I have truly loved you with all my heart and soul. I always thought what we had was real and would last forever. There really was never any doubt in my mind. I remember the lady at our 'interview' , she made me so angry when she was talking about the 95%, I dare she. What does she know? Is she there to see you hold me and tell me you can't live without me? To see you smile at me? Rub my feet? Can she hear the love in your voice? No. But I was there. I heard it. I felt it. And no matter how angry at me you are, I know you felt it too.
Seems like we needed help to work the kinks out but that was doable. Little did I know you had felt I had hurt you so deeply you would feel it necessary to leave. I don't believe love dies I believe we bury it in the hurt and pain we feel. And we lash out at the person we believe has hurt us. We have to hurt them back and make them feel the pain we feel. I never meant to hurt you. After a stupid fight one night not so long ago, I started because my feelings got hurt, you told me you wanted a divorce. By the end of the night we agreed that we would seek more, different help to fix this. You hugged and kissed me and said I was the love of your life and you could not live without me, we would work things out, not to worry as you were lying next to me kissing my face all over. I felt the warmth in your hands. But I heard the pain in your voice earlier. For the first time I felt scared my marriage was in trouble, that there was the chance I could lose you.So, I went and spoke to Monica about what I needed to do to really make a difference. I was ready to take it seriously and do it because my marriage was too important to me. It wasn't as though I hadn't so much taken it seriously before but I guess I didn't realize how hurt you really felt and what I was doing to contribute to it. I felt an urgency now to make the changes I needed to. One thing I needed to do was simply focus on what I was doing wrong instead of focusing on what I thought you were doing wrong. That was hard. I had only focused on my pain and frustration and so I felt justified in my behavior. But after talking with Monica, I was wrong. I needed to focus on me. The changes I needed to make. It was important not just for us but for Taylor. You are the only father she has ever known. I didn't want her to lose that. You taught her how to ride a bike. Took her to ride the go carts. And loved her. Gave her safety and security.
You had asked me if I would start going for walks with you at the track and I told you yes. I was looking forward to it. They just opened a 24 hour gym in Union. They have a family plan. We could join and go together. I thought you would like that. I also know I should of kept up with my PCOS. I know that effects my moods and my health. I am sorry.
I remember you telling me so many times early in our marriage, that I was the only place you had ever been able to find peace, love and trust. I was the only peace you had ever found. And I ruined that for you. But please know that was not intentional. And I really wanted the chance to give that back to you again. I still can if you allow me to.
Remember telling me I was changing you, for the better. I made you want to be a better person? I showed you, gave you the best things? Took you to the best places? All the plans we have made? That is real. Important. Not something to give up on. Four years is just the tip of the long future we had planned out.
The night you moved out, do you remember saying you don't really want a divorce? But that things would have to change? I agree. and I hope even though you are angry with me and don't want to talk to me, you seriously consider sticking to that. We have overcome so many things together already that this is nothing for us. If we can just step back, take a breath, and remember what we loved so much about each other and see we owe it to ourselves and our daughter to make this work. And there is an unborn child waiting for us. I know with the hurt and anger it won't be easy, but the rewards will be so worth it. I know somewhere under your anger you love me. You don't want to start over, or be a playboy again. You know that is fleeting and in the end will not make you happy. You spent 27 years living that way before you met me. We have only had four short years together, so why not give it longer? What do you have to lose? But I promise you, you have a lot to gain. Don't run from this, please. Hindsight can show someone a lot. I can see where I hurt you. Let me make it up to you. I think, in your heart of hearts, you don't want a divorce either. I think you are hurt and angry. That is ok. We can work through that, together. All that matters is we don't give up.
In summary, all I wanted to say is I am sorry. I am sorry I have hurt you. I am sorry I took your peace. I am sorry I didn't take you more seriously when you asked me to not argue with you. I am sorry for failing to be the wife I needed to be for you and the wife God called me to be. You know I can be incredibly stubborn and impatient. I am sorry.
This wasn't easy for me to write. But I mean every word. No matter how angry you are, or how cold you are to me, you can't change the fact I love you. And I believe you love me too even if you try to run from it. Please think about what I have said. Give it some serious thought. Don't trade it in for temporary things. I know forgiveness is not something that has come easy for you, but I am asking you, to please give it a try this time. You will be so glad you did.
Can we please talk, maybe spend some time together?
your Beloved
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