State of Confusion

Looking at these photos makes me smile, even now. I had no doubt that this was the first day of a wonderful future with the man I love. Even now, after all the pain I am still very much on love. That is the problem or the solution? Not sure which.

My husband seems to be someone new and different. Someone who does crazy things, hurtful things, who has no memory of his life and who he is. But I remember. I remember the love. I remember the heart. I remember the hurt man that cried out to God to save him, help him. I remember the man that held me, never let a day go by that he didn't tell me he loved me. At least until recently. Now he will not speak to me at all. How can that happen? Is he running from something?To something? I know that no one will love him like I do.

I wish I would of cherished that last kiss. That last smile. Savored the last time we made love. The last meal together. All the things taken for granted. I wish I would of tried harder, complained less. All those 'little' things seem so unimportant now. I wish I could tell him how much I love him again and hear him say it back.

I have gone through my days miserably lonely. With an ache so great to have him home again. The tears seem to never end. Certainly I must be dehydrated by now! ha ha. Hoping every time the phone rings hoping it is him. Everytime I get an email. But it never is.

I think of all the reasons I should be angry at him and to even my own shock I am not angry. I don't hate him. Most well meaning people can't understand this and that is ok.

Today is a new day and I am going to try really hard to suck it in, and just focus on building up my relationship with God and with me. Me? Yes me? I have a lot of work I need to do. I am believing that God is going to bring Al home. When that happens I need to be ready. How? To make sure there is no anger, no bad feelings. Only forgiveness and love. I also need to work on the things in myself that contributed to his unhappiness. I realize I do not share all the burden but I certainly have my part. And there is my health. I need to get healthy so I can be a better wife and mother.That will be the most difficult. Another reason why I must adjust my attitude.

So here we go! On with the journey.