Thank goodness it is Friday. As I sit here, with a broken heart, I am at a loss of what to say. Yesterday, Al had me served (at work of all the 'sweet' things) divorce papers. Two weeks ago he told me he was coming back home.

What is it about our life together that was so awful? Did we argue? Yes. But I stuck by him through so many things when he would of had no one. I planned romantic overnight stays at places for us. I planned family trips for us. I bought him nice things. I didn't do it in order to gain anything. It was done out of love.

Al always told me I showed him the best things in life, took him to the best places, bought him the best things. He said he had never loved anyone else and I made him want to be a better person. I really believed him. I thought our marriage was solid. That we could overcome anything together. So, why would he want to walk away? He said he hated his 'former' playboy lifestyle of going from woman to woman. It was lonely and he didn't want to live that way again. He wanted to have a baby and adopt Taylor. How do you go from that to walking out on us and refusing to talk about this? Why walk out on four years of yor life with someone and not even work it out? Doing this you will continue to drift from one relationship to another until finally you just get wore out and settle for less.

There were people sitting back waiting and hoping for our marriage to fail. I feel like Al just caved in and gave them what they were waiting for. I fought so hard to keep this from happening. Why isn't he fighting along with me?

Well, all I can say, is, it isn't over yet. Al can still come to his senses! Our marriage can still be saved.

Ok Santa! I am writing you my request for the thing I want most for Christmas! My husband to return home and our family to be healed. That isn't too much to ask for is it?

Tomorrow it will be two long, excruciatingly painful months since Al left. I have tried to be positive and be strong for Taylor BUT the last several days I haven't been very successful. Sometimes my heart aches so much it feels like I am dying inside. There is a void there that nothing seems to fill. As if that isn't bad enough, there is so much pressure from 'well meaning' people to just move on. Telling me I can never get past what he has done, I deserve more, etc etc. But do they know my God,really? I agree with them that "I" can't ever forgive Al of what has taken place and remove the pain that resides in what was once my heart. BUT my GOD can do anything. At this very moment I know he is talking with Al and helping Al to heal his own 'demons' and he keeps working with me on forgiveness and what love really is.

I am very fortunate that I have a very kind, understanding,beautiful lady that knows my God. And when I feel like I can't possibly cry another tear or I just can't see past the moment, I call her and she comforts me and reminds me I need to stand firm on God's word. She keeps me encouraged. I am eternally grateful for her.

So, Santa, rather you stuff him in my stocking or in a boc under the tree, please give me the one thing I want for Christmas, My Al to be home, permanantly.