Snake or Man

As terrified as I am of snakes they still fascinate me along with sharks! I chose these photos because they remind me of someone, my husband. Over time, as I learn more and more about who he really is this is the image I see in place of his face. He lashes out and injects his venom into his victims seeking to destroy them.

He tries to pose as a Christian. He stands in church praying, worshipping God only to walk through the door after service and unleash terror on those who cross him. He has not one shred of honesty that spills from his lips. He has not one ounce of fidelity in his bones. He has not one bit of love in his cold heart. He is a liar, cheater, user, con artist and fraud. He preys on the unsuspecting and then strikes out and destroys. He has no conscious to prevent it from repeating over and over. He is not a man but a predator. But fortunately there is always someone higher on the 'food chain' that can destroy. I believe it is only a matter of time before he can no longer infect others with his venom for it will be inflicted upon himself.

Let go, Let God????

I can't tell you how many times I have heard this, and always thought it was of course the smart thing to do! But as I sit here in my current situation, I can't seem to do it. In all honesty I have been angry with the Lord for not pulling through for me. For not saving my marriage. But as the fog begins to disappear and I can see clearly now, I see he did me a huge favor. Garth Brooks was right on target with 'Unanswered Prayers." Sometimes those unanswered prayers are truly the perfect answer. Even though I loved Al, I had become to resent him so deeply for all the lies and hurt he had caused. And I knew deep down, no matter how hard I tried to think otherwise, I knew he would always be unfaithful. Is that truly someone you want to share your life with? There was the sting of embarassent. A second failed marriage. People finding out. worrying what they would think.

Now I have a new dilemma. The hurt and sadness is turning into anger. When I think of the months of loneliness, the thousands of tears I shed, the unreturned phone calls and emails. The anxiety attacks. The financial meltdown. Months and months of what seems like torture. All because I wanted to make the effort to save my marriage. Yet as I was going through these the 'man' and I use that word loosely, was with someone else (probably in true Al fashion more than one), carrying on as if my daughter and I never existed. Where was his grief or sense of loss. After all I was a good wife to him. And now I sit here thinking of the sacrifies I made, the damaged relationships. I now see him as a monster. And I have this mission that I want to save all women from him and his destructive ways. Realistically I know I can't but what if I can one. I can post the fliers. I can email whomever will listen. I can keep contacting the news to run a story on the local con artist. Dr Phil. But in the end, maybe I need to let it go and just let God deal with Al. God will do what needs to be done. I can say a prayer that any woman he shows interest in that God will intervene and steer her away. How do I let go and yet feel vindicated? Or how do I release feeling the need to be vindicated? Maybe when I release it, let it go, that is when God can have control and all we be set right.

I hate the thought that one man can cause so much pain to so many without even caring. As if he has no emotion. It disgusts me that I ever let him touch me. Yet it is this very anger I need to let go. So, as I go forth today I am going to try. Wish me luck!

Who Am I Now????????

My journey in life is forever taking turns yet as I sit here I wonder...when do I start taking advantage of that instead of allowing it to beat me down? For instance, there was a time not so long ago I was someone's wife, mother, daughter in law, sister in law..someone's Mrs. BUT then it suddenly changed. It was as if my identity had been stolen because all of those titles were no longer there except I was still a mother. I felt violated,robbed and beaten down. As if that was all I was. But as I sit here I think...isn't that crazy? I am still here! Why would I allow someone else to steal 'who' I am? Why not realize 'hey, his loss' and look at it as a new beginning not an end? A chance for renewal and recreation of who I want to be. A revival of who I truly am. I was not really all those things aboe. Those were just some of the roles I filled but I was still Terry. Now I have to try and remember who exactly that is since I lost my identity somewhere along the way.
I still want to be a mother ( a better one), a daughter, a sister, a lover and friend. (I have the greatest new boyfriend ever and a sweet new boy to go along with him), BUT I also want to be Terry. I am not just here to fill a role. I am here to live life and I have not been doing that. Where is that happy energetic person? Where is the laughter and fun? The sense of adventure? I must seek and find those things again. Share them with the people I love. Teach my daughter and sister you are not just here to be a wife or girlfriend. Pursue your dreams and goals Life is too short, it waits for no one. Don't lose who you are in someone else. Merge the two. I want my mom to be proud of me and be able to say 'hey now that is my Terry Lynn and I lover her' with pride in her voice.

This is a great opportunity for me. A new chapter of this book. Why not embrace it and make it a real page turner! Pursue something, find passion in something or allow something to ignite passion in me. Began putting the puzzle of 'Who is Terry' together. See what comes out when it is finished. Don't be that little old woman sitting in her rocking chair one day saying ' I wish I would of.....went,said,done,explored, etc with an unfilfilled feeling in the pit of your stomach wondering where did it go? What was my life about? What did I accomplish? Be the little lady walking (or wheeling) around the nursing home showing everyone your photos of the fun you had in your day and the places you saw or the World you created for yourself. The joy you found in life. And of the family that you have taught to do the same.

One thing I know. Life goes on rather you choose to participate in it or not. The sun will continue to rise and fall. The birds will chirp. The kids will grow. The days shall pass. So why not jump in and be a part of it?! Heal and find purpose in life again. Find joy. Don't take life for granted for one day it will be gone. Leave behind a great legacy. Be the crazy, exciting lady they will talk about at holidays for decades to come!

A Heart Renewed

When you first buy a hanging basket, they are beautiful, full of color, growing and you can't wait to get it home and hang it up. After several tries, you finally find the perfect spot for it where its beauty will be seen by everyone. You water it, talk to it and it seems to just flourish before your very eyes. And just as it gets to be so beautiful that it almost takes your breath away, you step outside and it has begun to wilt, the color is not so bright, its drooping. What do you do????? Is this beautiful plant that you have spent so much time loving and encouraging to grow going to die? All your love and effort lost???? Well even though I do NOT have a green thumb I do know that with some water, maybe some pruning and more love that plant can be restored to its former beauty once again!

This reminds me of the heart. You meet someone that you lovingly turn your heart over to, you love them, you only want to make them happy and have them love you back. And when you are going along with a song in your heart and things seem to be so great suddenly that person you trusted to nurture your heart throws it back at you torn and shredded. There is no way it can be repaired! It is in so many pieces where would you begin? And the pain!!! It is so unbelievable. It hurts so deeply that it takes your breath away. How can you go on after this? You just can't you have to give up. And at this point death almost seems like it would be a blessing. After all what good are you now? The very person you loved so much and gave your everything to no longer wants you so if he doesn' t want or love you then no one else will either. And you just can't seem to function any longer. The depression takes over and you seem to be sinking into an oblivion not too aware of all the life going on around you and the worst part is you don't care you just want to escape the pain. Yet it is torture because you have no idea why this even happened. How could it? What did I do that was so awful that I deserve so much pain?You lay down, close your eyes so tight they ache and just pray that you don't have to wake up. Your life is over you can't go on.

Then one night someone you have become fond of being friends with asks you for your phone number. You think, what for? Why would he possibly want to talk to me? I am a wreck and no one can love me. Then he calls and you start spending time together. Then suddenly you begin to notice something. You want to wake up again. The pain is easing up. You are looking forward to the next day again. That song that used to be in your heart is beginning to sing again. There is warmth there again, the ice has begun to melt. And slowly just like the plant that heart is renewed and able to love again and able to accept love. All it took was someone to lead it out of the darkness and despair that it had been engulfed in. It took someone to shed some light on a new path for that heart to follow out of that place and back into the sunshine where it can once again be filled will hope and love.

throwing caution to the wind

Today I am going to talk a little about the man I call my Knight in Shining Armor. It reminds me of something straight from a fairy tale. There was me, sad, lonely depressed miserable. I felt unlovable. Like never again would someone love me or desire me. And I would never give someone the chance to hurt me again. Then out of the blue (to me but apparently others knew it was coming) someone asks me for my phone number. I give it to him then spend the rest of the night trying to figure out how to get out of what I had just done! But one friday night he comes over. He shows up with a single rose in his hand. The whole evening was incredible. All we did was talk. But I felt so comfortable. Then as we talked more and more I felt something I can't even describe. Then one night he kissed me! My GOD what a kisser! It was incredible. It was as if I could feel the armor I had been carrying around falling off. Now suddenly here is this wonderful man that wants me. Who is in love with me. ME! How lucky am I!!! He is handsome, thoughtful. My family likes him. My friends like him. But he makes me feel like I have never felt before. He makes me explore sides of me I didn't know existed. I can't get enough of him. every minute we are apart is misery. I love the way he smiles at me. It melts my heart. Isn't this what love should feel like? I feel like I have waited my whole life for him. I have decided instead of playing it safe and protecting my heart I will throw all caution to the wind and explore all this person has offered me and makes me feel. I feel like he has awakened the real me! I feel excited again. I feel loved and worthy of love. He did that for me.

Worth the risk

The dawning of a new day. Funny what can happen to a person in such a short amount of time. Just when you think the terrible pain you have been suffering with will never end, the constant torment will go on and on, suddenly someone steps into your life and you are transformed. You are smiling and laughing again. You are enjoying the days again. The depression seems like a thing of the past. when you thought your heart would be a block of ice forever it begins to melt when he smiles at you. You feel warm inside when he touches you. when you see his name pop up on your phone it brings a smile to your face and you can't answer it fast enough. It kind of reminds me of a bear in hibernation. Shut off from everything for months, not engaging in anything. Then one day he crawls out of his hole and there is a whole new world around him to explore. He begins to walk around and he notices the new smells, the beauty around him. I, too, am beginning to notice life around me again. Notice what I have been missing because I was 'hibernating', closed off from the things and people around me. But now! I can't get enough.

This person has become like a lifeline to me. It is scary in a sense. The fear of opening up and being crushed again. But then if you don't take the risk you can miss out on possibly the best person to have ever come into your life. He awakens things in you that you didn't realize were there. Don't you want to explore it? Savor it? Enjoy the smile in his eyes when he looks at you? The sexy wink he gives you. The warmth of his words? The soft touch of his lips? The goosebumps? why not take the risk? Allow him to help you heal from all the pain and replace it with the love you need. He has been there waiting for you for a long time. let him love you. Let him help you to let go. Explore all he has awakened in you and all he can show you.

Thank you Kevin for being so wonderful :)

who means what they say?

Does anyone value marriage? People? christianity? Honesty? What happens when you meet someone whom even though didn't behave much like a christian claims to be one? But then as time goes on you believe yes they love the Lord they are just struggling. You give them your everything. A family, a home, security, your credit, your heart. They convince you that they have never love anyone else and based on what you know that seems to be true. do you have a perfect life? No you both need to make changes as in any relationship. But you try. They dont' seem to much, maybe for a while. Then suddenly one day they up and leave. Ruin everything, credit, lies grow and grow. IS this person even human? They can just walk out after 4 1/2 years and not look back? Pretend you never existed? Ignore your calls and emails. Break a little girls heart. A Christian? One that does nothing but lie, sleep around because he has a sexual addiction? Uses people?

How do you spend so long with someone that has been there for you no matter what, helped you try to get your messed up life on track, puts up with your frivolous lawsuits that are lies, the games, the women, supports you between jobs, helps you get a license,green card, plans special dates and outings to surprise you? Put up with your anger problems ( hopefully you continue with your medication), the embarassing things you did and said to people?Tried to convince you to mend fences with family members, get family to visit?And you just walk out and then nothing? You ruin their credit, steal gas, refuse to help pay the bills you helped create, calling women on the cell phone I was paying for, take money that isn't yours? What kind of person does that? How can someone hurt someone like that? Thank goodness we didn't have the additional kids you wanted and I didn't allow you to adopt my daughter. What about the little girl you told that you would always be her father and everything would be alright? How do you sleep at night? How did I even fall in love with such a monster? Why didn't I pay attention to those red flags? The stirrings in the pit of my stomach?

In the end I do believe God 'rewards' us based on our actions. So I know in the end there will be justice. I pity you. You used God to use people. Now so many things make sense

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day! Normally besides Christmas this has to be my favorite holiday! Being the hopeless romantic that I am it is a day when you celebrate love. You share a special day and evening with the love in your life.

Last year was so much fun! I planned a huge surprise for Al and I. I gave him an address to meet me at which happened to be a cool hotel, where I had packed our bags and brought with me. I couldn't wait for him to get there, to see him, hold him. See the surprise on his face. He arrived and I handed him his clothes to put on and we went to the most romantic restaurant. As the ladies walked in the host handed them a rose. We sat in a corner table as a performer sand slow and romantic songs for us. The food was the very best quality and taste. Al loved it. And I loved how he made me feel.How he smiled at me as if I were the only woman in the room. Then we went back to our room where the celebration continued. We both took of work the next day and spent it together. What a wonderful memory.

This year, unlike the last four, is very different. I will be celebrating without Al. He is still my love, yet he seems to have forgotten me and the life we had together. I wonder if he remembers this day last year? or where he will be this evening? If I will cross his mind at all? As the only option I had, I sent him an e card. I wonder if he will read it? No matter where he is or who he is with, no one will love him like I do. No one will put forth the effort to make him feel so loved like I did.

Even though I feel very sad today, I hope all those couples out there celebrate their love for one another and appreciate that they have someone who loves them back.

Wherever you are my love, I am thinking of you.

This photo is Al and Taylor at my mom's last Christmas. Who knew a year later things would be so different. When this photo was taken we were making plans to sell my house to buy us another one and then having a baby. Now he will not even speak to me.

I gave him everything I had to give. I was there for him when no one else was. I taught him how to drive (which he didn't learn so well), got him out of immigration jail that I borrowed $5,000 against my house to give him, helped him get his first car then later another one, a home to call his own when he had no where else to go, help with preparing for his immigration case with Angela then later ours, gave him a family who took him in as one of the family, took him to the best restaurants and hotels and vacations, bought him nice clothes,because of me he has health insurance and mental health insurance,dental insurance, vision insurance. Planned him a surprise birthday party when he turned thirty. Encouraged him to keep in contact with his family including the father and older brother he claimed to not have a relationship with. And now it seems as if it were all for nothing. I did all these thing because I loved him and thought our marriage was for a lifetime.

Is it possible for someone to have no conscious at all? To walk out on his family and never look back? Leave them in a financial mess and not care? Even when you have stuck by their side always?

Obviously I am not in a good mood today. I didn't intend to rampble through all that. I guess I am still just in shock that my once planned out life with someone I thought loved me has now turned into this mess and he has nothing to say at all.

A New Year

Happy 2008. This man to the left has been the love of my life for the last four years. Was our marriage perfect? No. But was it still great? Yes. This man once made me feel like the queen of his world. He would do anything I asked. Rubbed my feet, bought me cute things, looked at me as if I were a treasure. Then one day, he walked out. Said he was coming back, he just needed some time. Then I got served divorce papers and he refuses to talk to me. I am in all kinds of a financial mess and maybe a legal mess because of him. What happened to him? Was Taylor and I ever important to him? He wanted to adopt her so badly and for us to start a family together, one child for sure maybe two. So what happened to all of our dreams and plans? I wish I knew. Instead I am left with a mess, a broken heart and no answers.He used to tell me all the time I was his only love ever, only person he ever trusted and had found peace peace. That he would never be so foolish to walk away from us.

Today February 2nd was Ali's birthday. Taylor and I left him a message but of course no response.