I can't tell you how many times I have heard this, and always thought it was of course the smart thing to do! But as I sit here in my current situation, I can't seem to do it. In all honesty I have been angry with the Lord for not pulling through for me. For not saving my marriage. But as the fog begins to disappear and I can see clearly now, I see he did me a huge favor. Garth Brooks was right on target with 'Unanswered Prayers." Sometimes those unanswered prayers are truly the perfect answer. Even though I loved Al, I had become to resent him so deeply for all the lies and hurt he had caused. And I knew deep down, no matter how hard I tried to think otherwise, I knew he would always be unfaithful. Is that truly someone you want to share your life with? There was the sting of embarassent. A second failed marriage. People finding out. worrying what they would think.
Now I have a new dilemma. The hurt and sadness is turning into anger. When I think of the months of loneliness, the thousands of tears I shed, the unreturned phone calls and emails. The anxiety attacks. The financial meltdown. Months and months of what seems like torture. All because I wanted to make the effort to save my marriage. Yet as I was going through these the 'man' and I use that word loosely, was with someone else (probably in true Al fashion more than one), carrying on as if my daughter and I never existed. Where was his grief or sense of loss. After all I was a good wife to him. And now I sit here thinking of the sacrifies I made, the damaged relationships. I now see him as a monster. And I have this mission that I want to save all women from him and his destructive ways. Realistically I know I can't but what if I can one. I can post the fliers. I can email whomever will listen. I can keep contacting the news to run a story on the local con artist. Dr Phil. But in the end, maybe I need to let it go and just let God deal with Al. God will do what needs to be done. I can say a prayer that any woman he shows interest in that God will intervene and steer her away. How do I let go and yet feel vindicated? Or how do I release feeling the need to be vindicated? Maybe when I release it, let it go, that is when God can have control and all we be set right.
I hate the thought that one man can cause so much pain to so many without even caring. As if he has no emotion. It disgusts me that I ever let him touch me. Yet it is this very anger I need to let go. So, as I go forth today I am going to try. Wish me luck!
