To forgive

This quote says " He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass"

I have been praying that God would bring my husband back home. What I really hadn't stopped to think about was forgiveness. There are many things that have transpired over a short amount of time and I have tried not to think about some because it was just too painful. It would hurt too much. I think I would not be able to handle it emotionally right now if I had to sit and process some of it.

Am I able to forgive or ask for forgiveness? One I must humble myself, as hard as it seems, and ask Al to forgive me. Why? Did I walk out? Or many other examples I can think of, no. But I feel I need to ask for forgiveness because I was not the wife I truly needed to be. I did try to make some effort to become a better wife but not enough. I was still a work in progress and was willing to persevere and continue but I wish I could of been the wife God told me to be. I needed to argue less, no matter how valid I felt my anger was or my point was arguing never solves it. Being able to provide peace and solace to my husband when he came home. That was so important to him. I didnt intentionally 'rob' him of that but he felt robbed none the less. Nit picking over little annoyances. Are they really all that important??? Of course not! How silly. Of course hindsight is something! I was not intentionally denying my husband of peace and joy but the fact is that I did it and I must now ask for forgiveness. When do I do that though? I am too afraid to right now. I am afraid to be laughed at, ignored or berated. Do I swallow my pride and do it anyway?

Next, with what I do know that has transpired, can I forgive my husband for the things I feel he has done to me? The hurts? The lies? The betrayal? Only by God's grace. Which I need to seek strongly. I want to forgive him. I want to see him walk through our front door with his suitcase ready to move back home, I want to show him I love him again. But first, for that to be a success I must be able to forgive the hurt and let it go. I can't hold onto it. If I hold onto it, then it will be doomed from the start. But where to begin? First I think I have to begin with asking forgiveness before I can offer it? From God at least right now. I am still worried about when to apologize to Al. But I think I need to seek the Lord and lay out my misdeeds first then ask him to remove any anger, hurt, bitterness that I have in my heart. Then perhaps healing can begin.

Heavenly Father, I come before you and I ask your forgiveness. You blessed me with a husband and beautiful daughter. Yet I have not been the wife and mother that you have called me to be. I have not been a joyful wife and mother. I did not stop before I spoke. I allowed words of anger to come from my lips. I humbly ask your forgiveness for not treasuring the gifts you have given me. I am working to become a better mother and I pray I am allowed the chance to be a better wife. I pray for strength and guidance. Thank you my Lord and savior. Amen